Kids & Conflict Resolution
No matter how much we try to escape it, conflict is an unavoidable part of life. From arguing about bedtimes to fighting over who gets the TV remote, conflict can be especially overwhelming when it comes to family members. Instead of sweeping problems under the rug or fighting, what can you do to peacefully resolve disputes? Try using conflict resolution...
What is conflict resolution?
A process that uses problem-solving and negotiation to address the needs of each person in a conflict.
Why should we use it?
Conflict resolution helps our children’s social development - the way they develop relationships and deal with challenges. It teaches children empathy, and decreases the chance that they will become violent adults.
Basic Steps of Conflict Resolution:
- Define the problem. What is causing each side to be upset?
- Use “I messages” to communicate how you feel, which allows you to remain focused on the problem, not the person. “I am upset because you forgot to clean your room.”
- Define the needs of each person. “I would like you to finish your homework before dinner, but I know you would like time to relax right after school.”
- Brainstorm together and evaluate possible options for a resolution.
- Plan how you will implement the solution.
TIPS TO USE IN YOUR FAMILY
Between children and/or siblings...
- It’s often difficult for children to see things from another person’s perspective. Help your child see things from the other child’s point of view. [“If you had a toy first and someone took it, how would YOU feel?”]
- Be patient. Children learn conflict resolution by doing, so give them time to try solving conflicts independently. [Quietly sit near the children and listen to them discuss the conflict.]
- Resist the urge to tell the children what to do, and offer choices instead of providing one solution. [“Instead of yelling, what if you each write a note to each other, or set a time to talk about this later.]
Between parents & children...
- Listen to your child and help her label her feelings by asking “why” questions. [“Why did you get upset when I asked you to clean your room? Did you feel sad? Or angry?”]
- Acknowledge her feelings. [“I understand why you’re angry about a curfew...”]
- Make sure to separate your child’s behavior from your child. [“You are a good girl, but when you threw that toy it was not good behavior.”]
- Offer choices for a resolution and set clear rules for the future. [“Let’s talk about our options tonight. And next time, you know that you must ask me before going out with a friend.”]
Between parents and/or adults...
- 1. Take time to cool off. [Ask for 5 minutes to collect your thoughts in another room.]
- Children learn by example.Model conflict resolution for them! After you’ve had an argument, for example, talk to your children. [“I felt frustrated when Daddy didn’t listen to me. But after we both took 5 minutes to calm down and took turns talking about our feelings, we came up with a great idea for a new 5 minutes of family time before dinner every night!”]
- Talk about conflict. Don’t ignore it. If you’re open about your feelings and that it can take work to maintain your own relationships, your child is more likely to open up and come to you when they need guidance to resolve conflict.
