Making Friends

Has your child ever told you that he or she doesn't have friends or gets bullied? Do you worry about how you can help your child make friends and come out unharmed?

It is important to remember that as a parent you have already laid a healthy foundation for your child. You have helped ensure that your child is open to the possibility of friendship and connections to others because in infancy you were his or her best friend. You taught you child skills needed for friendship such as sensitivity and sharing because you modeled those skills for them.

Though as a parent you will naturally continue to help your child learn friendship skills, there are several things you can do to help ensure that your child develops the abilities needed to create lasting and meaningful relationships.

Joining me today to discuss how to help your child learn to make friends is Tonya Fullwood of the National Center for Children and Families. Join us as we talk about how you, as a parent, can help your child develop the social skills needed to create lasting friendships.

Know what's going on developmentally with your child

Knowing what's going on developmentally with your child can help you make sure your expectations for behavior are in line with your child's developmental capabilities, as well as help you understand what is behind your child's behaviors. For example, if your 2-year-old doesn't like to share, is he or she being mean? Of course not.

In elementary school, children, especially in the older grades, have complicated and powerful relationships, and they can often exclude others. They do not do this because they are mean, but because they are still learning how to be friends. Children have to learn how to make "best friends", mix groups of friends, and change friends. Their attempts to do these things are often not very skilled and just when they think they know the rules of friendship the rules change. And all of this is also complicated by a strong need children have to belong.

As a parent, you should support your child's efforts to make friends and help them understand how to handle the various complicated situations involved with friendships.

Consider your child's temperament

Children have individual temperaments that make a difference in how they form friendships and how many friends they want to have. Some children like to have lots of friends, while others are much more comfortable with just one friend. Some children are very open to new experiences and new people while others are very slow to warm-up. These are children's individual preferences.

As a parent, it can be confusing if your temperament is different from your child's. Just because you enjoy having lots of friends around does not mean that if your child only wants one or two that they're having trouble making friends or are missing out somehow. Being aware and accepting of your child's temperament helps you as a parent support your child in the way that works best for them.

Steps you can take to help your child learn to make friends

Set up play-dates. Play-dates or informal get-togethers offer a shy child a starting block for a social life. When setting up play-dates, it is important at first to keep play-date groups small and short.

Teach by example. To help children learn how to make and retain friends, invite your own friends over. Since children pay close attention to what grown-ups do, model for your child by having your friends over and allowing your child to observe your interactions. You may even want to have a double play-date with a friend who has kids.

Try not to expect too much. If your child feels he or she is being forced to make friends, even the best intentions can go wrong. Your child is probably already insecure around other children, and pressure from Mom or Dad can increase that insecurity. Parents should avoid over pressuring which can cause children to close up and become even shyer.

Find something that makes them feel special. Encourage your child to find an activity, hobby or interest that they enjoy. Through this activity your child can meet others who are interested in the same thing.

Talk to your child's teacher. Talk with the teacher about your concerns, and work together on school-based strategies that could help your child make friends. You may also want to visit the classroom to get a picture of how your child acts around peers at school. Investigate whether or not your child is having a negative experience at school. If certain children are bullying your child, ask the teacher to intervene.

Help your child learn what to do next time. Tell your child to think about an incident that happened ether positive or negative and then say "next time." This will help your child to cement what went right and reflect on what didn't go as well, so that he or she can make changes in behavior and/or attitude. It also reminds your child that we all get another chance to try again, and that there are plenty of potential friends out there.

Helpful guidelines to give to your child

If your child is complaining that he or she is having trouble making or keeping friends, tell your child to remember to:

Find someone who likes the same things you do. Even though friends sometimes have nothing in common, it is a great building block for children to formulate friendships around a common interest.
Let people know you like them. Remind your child that other kids are often just as shy or insecure as they are. Sometimes friends or potential friends need to hear you tell them you think they're great.
Take time to listen and give. Encourage your child to take turns talking and listening. Through listening and talking, a friend can be one of the best support systems your child can have.
Accept differences between you and your friend. Remind your child that friends can dress differently and do different things. Teach your child to appreciate a friend and their differences, and to not try and change them.
Learn how to apologize and how to forgive. When your child hurts a friend's feelings, you should encourage them to say, "I'm sorry." When your child's feelings are hurt, remind them about the importance of forgiveness.
Be pleasant to be around. Having a pessimistic attitude will cause a child to turn potential friends away. Encourage your child to see the positive and break the habit of pessimism.
There is a difference between friendship and popularity. Emphasize to your child that friendship is more important than popularity and will last a lifetime. Popularity is short-lived and depends on the group.
Being a good friend is hard work. Children need to be reminded that friendships require an ongoing effort. Friendships don't instantly occur, and require nurturing to grow.

Conclusion

As parents, we want our children to have good friends and to be good friends to others. But the truth is that they can't get there without some tough situations along the way. As a parent, you can be there for your child by providing emotional support.